Almost a year ago, I uttered those words in a room filled with women. Many of whom, days earlier, I had become acquainted with for the first time. I had met a part of myself, you see, at this event. I had squirreled her away for all of my life, probably for several previous lifetimes, now that I reflect upon it. I was afraid of her, this part of me. Afraid she was unlikable. Unlovable. Particularly, by me. She was many things I wasn’t and didn’t want to be: Brusque. Unflinching. Brutally honest. Unapologetic. Bossy. Uncaring of what others thought. Determined.
Occasionally, she would slip out from under my watchful eye and cause havoc. She would say exactly what she meant and someone would be offended; she would take charge and another would feel steamrollered; she would say no to things that I would normally be guilted into doing. And there I would go, into full on damage control mode, mopping up the chaos in her wake.
Oh, but it felt so good to say what I meant and to do exactly what I wanted. It felt the way I imagined flying to be, like a leaf being carried away on the wind, weightless and unhindered.
She wasn’t mean, this part of me. She didn’t say or do things to be hurtful. It was always from a place of truth, being herself, honest, real. After that day when I bared my soul in this room filled with loving acceptance, I knew I could no longer go back to the half-life I was living.Existing but not alive. Awake but not seeing. Speaking but saying nothing.
This is the crossroads we all reach, if we are paying attention. To continue living a lie or to accept the darkness within us. The darkness that hides the truth that we fear to see because to do so requires a willingness to look beyond the darkness and into the light.
The light of our being. Of who we are beneath the co-dependency, and the pretending and the lies we tell ourselves. Beneath the obligations, shoulds, have tos and self-imposed prisons lies the truth: That we are free and always have been.
Your darkness is the way to the truth. Your truth. And your light.