I thought I had made a new friend. She was nice although very troubled.
I’m all about helping so when she reached out to me, I asked God/Universe for advice and, in my blunt, straightforward way shared what I had heard with her.
It was not well received.
I kinda knew what was behind her lashing out because it came out in the guidance I had gotten during my Divine conversation. The second time it happened, however, I took a step back. I examined my motives. Was I invested in any way in working with her? No. Did I feel it was my responsibility to help her? Yes, yes I did.
I asked myself why I felt a responsibility to help a woman I had only just met. The answer was not a surprise to me. For as long as I can remember, I have been the champion of misfits, standing up for friends against authority figures and bullies alike. I was always willing to take the heat for those that I cared about, friends who I thought were misunderstood and mistreated.
In this case, hearing her story and feeling the energy behind it, I felt a strong pull to help. When she reached out, it never crossed my mind to hold back.
What I was oblivious to at the time was that she didn’t really want help–she was too attached to her suffering–and she certainly wasn’t ready for my brand of help, at least, not in the way that I deliver it. I believe in being truthful. Not just with others, but first and foremost, with myself. And I deliver that truth in the way that is wholly me–which is direct and honest and with gale-force-winds-like-subtlety.
She didn’t like it. And she let me know in the most insulting and cutting language possible.
Was I hurt? Of course–I’m human. The advice that was asked for was rejected. And not just the advice, but me, I was rejected. I allowed myself to feel into that. To fully go into the emotional pain that came up. I immediately thought that I should have toned it down. I was too strong, too blunt, too something. Maybe if I had—and off I went into a tailspin of shoulds, why didn’t Is and what ifs. It was exhausting.
I sat for what felt like an eternity. I went within. I talked to God/Universe.
And then it dawned on me what this experience was here to show me. It was here to illuminate how I was rejecting myself. That my first reaction to being considered unacceptable was to shrink. To hide. To alter who I am in order to be deemed worthy or valued. I realized it is time for me to embrace and yes, love, those parts of me that might possibly cause a strong reaction in others–reactions that might be mean. Or ugly. Or hurtful.
As I sat there, speaking to God/Universe, I remind myself daily of what He said to me:
“Not everyone will like you.
Not everyone will understand you.
You must stand firm in the fullness of
who you are, Tracy. You are as I created
you to be and to be less than that is a
rejection of not just yourself, but of Me.”
You-me-WE are here to be who we were created to be. Fully who we are. There may be parts of us that trigger people. Parts of us that engender repugnance or abhorrence in others. Parts of us that those around us judge unlovable.
And that’s OK.
Because, at the end of the day, the only opinion that means a damn, is the one you hold of yourself.